I am comfortable doing hard things. Say it out loud. What is your response? I can have a difficult conversation with someone even though it is uncomfortable. I am capable of sustained effort and working hard to do what aligns
I can do hard things
The Best and Worst
If there was ever a time when it matters how other people think and behave, it is now! All cultures have a version of the Golden Rule: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. Individually we
Nervous Systems on Display
We now live in a different world from the one we lived in last week. Many people were already highly stressed before the virus reached our country and community. This week fear has intensified. We do not know what will
Gratitude
This week I had my 67th birthday, my dog Shantih turns one, and I celebrated my one year anniversary of living in the forest at the ocean. This morning in daily practice we did a gratitude practice. Neuroscience tells us
We Are All Outsiders
The dictionary defines an outsider as a person who does not belong to a particular group. We are all outsiders from most groups. I am an outsider to marathon runners, medical doctors, and chess champions. That’s neutral for me. I
Love Flows in Both Directions
Hurt people hurt people. This is obvious to us when we see physical, sexual, emotional abuse or severe neglect. Children are also hurt when parents are too stressed, busy, distracted or depressed to get to know them. To really feel connected,
Tall Two-Year-Olds
When a group of adults don’t get enough sleep, it’s like a meeting of tall two-year-olds. Family get-togethers often feature too many people in a small space, staying up late, and too much noise, alcohol, and sugar. Add in entitlement,
A List of Their Names
September 30th is Orange Shirt Day, commemorating children who were forced into Canada’s Indian Residential Schools. Today on Facebook I saw the list of 2,800 children who died in these schools. There are at least 1,600 more unnamed children who
Mary Oliver, One Wild and Precious Life
“Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” Summer Day, by Mary Oliver Mary Oliver was someone who was very tuned in to her system and to the natural world. Many of her poems
Getting To Know Our Younger Self
Our survival system calculates risk and the option least likely to lead to our death. One response to danger is flight. We run. We get out of there! We physically leave the scene. When we can’t remove our body from
Daring To Be Me
We need parents who are attuned to our needs. Nurturing emotional interactions with parents are an indispensable requirement of human brain development. Children in non-attuned relationships may feel loved but do not experience feeling appreciated for who they really are.
Grieving the Losses of Childhood Trauma
We are cheated out of childhood when our experience is one of fear, abuse and neglect. Before we move into understanding and compassion and into being reasonable and fair, we need to acknowledge the truth of our own experience. I was
What Kind Of An Idiot Would…?!!
We’ve all been there, at the wheel or in the passenger seat. We’re driving along and someone does something inconsiderate that sets off a flare of rage. They roar up beside our car then cut us off, forcing us to
Use Your Body to Calm Catastrophic Thinking
What is happening right now in the space your body is occupying? There are sense perceptions, of the air or clothes on your skin, sounds, wetness in your mouth and the movement of your body with your breath. Are you
Friends With My Body? Really?
Do you feel good will towards your body? Do you love your body? Could you be friends with your body? For most of us the answer is complicated, embedded with lots of history and memories of past experiences. One of
Hurt People Hurt People
We have all harmed others. How do we allow that in? I have harmed people I love. How can I sit with the sadness and regret and grief of that? Let’s look at it through a trauma lens. When we
A Field of Energy
Settle into a comfortable position. Shavasana is a classic relaxation pose – where you lie on your back with your arms and legs a comfortable distance apart. Become aware of your body from head to toes and the space your body is
Signature Strengths
Dr. Martin Seligman is a pioneer in the new (1998) field of positive psychology. Until then, western psychology was primarily focused on fixing what was wrong. My meditation teacher encouraged us to “enjoy what there is to enjoy, not suffer
Solace in the Heart
The practice below is one of nurturing ourselves with comfort and solace in the heart center. Bring to mind a moment of joy, maybe someone you love or a favourite pet and bring your attention to your heart area. The
Invitation to Rest
I’ve had a bad cold this week, the first one in 4 or 5 years. The feeling is familiar. Fever. Sleeping on and off all day. Headache. Coughing. Runny nose. Sinus pain. Foggy brain. When illness happens our body needs
Stillness
We notice what moves. This is part of the negativity bias in the brain. Being vigilant for potential danger helps keep us safe. Are you held hostage by your primitive brain? This can be dramatic when there is a sudden
My Biggest Fan
I love you. I support you. I’m on your side. What gets in the way of connecting with yourself? Of being your own supporter and friend? It feels sad to me when we can’t be our own biggest fan, when
Not My Job!
There are many things in life for which we are responsible. Fixing our parents is NOT one of them! It is an impossible task, especially for a child. Yet over and over we step up and try. We fail because
Burn to the ground?
Anger. Irritation. Fiery. Cold and implacable. Indignation. Righteous. Infuriated. Resentment. Tantrum. Enmity. Fury. Hatred. Violence. Blow up. Mad. Rage. We have a lot of words to describe the varying intensity of anger. Is it dangerous to feel angry? It feels
Trauma Expert Dr Gabor Maté
“Trauma causes us to disconnect from ourselves, our sense of value, and from the present moment.” Dr Gabor Maté I recommend Dr Maté and tell his definition to people at least a dozen times every week. Trauma doesn’t only happen
The Bodyguard
Do you remember that scene in The Bodyguard where Whitney Houston is swept into Kevin Costner’s arms and carried to safety? Adrenaline is pumping. The danger is extreme and Kevin Costner is on high alert. Due to his action, the
The Key to Freedom
The energy, sensations and feelings in our body are a rich source of information on what has not yet been resolved and healed. Welcoming and attending to our experience, turning towards instead of away from our feelings, is the key
Hatred and Fear
“Some people find relief in drugs like heroin, some are finding relief and validation in harboring hate. Both hate and addiction are a manifestation of a society that is ill, disconnected, and traumatized. Just like addiction provides relief to people
Still We Love Them
I left home when I was 17. I crashed with a friend for a few months, hitchhiked halfway across Canada and partied in a quest for connection and oblivion. Looking back, it hits hard just how much danger I was
Healing Scar Tissue
A dear friend badly burned her leg a few years ago. The skin partially regenerated but it is still sensitive and papery thin. It will never completely recover. Many people had the experience of not feeling physically safe and protected
Moved To Tears
Reconnect and Fall in Love With Yourself, a women’s healing trauma retreat. What happens at a retreat like this? 7 women arrived Friday late afternoon and settled in at a classic old farmhouse. People are nervous before something like this.
Memory
Memory. Last week people all over the world were glued to their screens as a courageous woman who remembered every detail of an attempted rape recounted her experience. And the testimony of a man who might have been lying or
The Fear Factor
How does fear affect your life? For most people, it is a long list with a wide reach. Our primitive brain is set up to ensure the survival of the species and fear gets our attention. Fight, flight, freeze kicks
Trauma Therapist Podcast
Listen on iTunes episode #304 or The Trauma Therapist Website I was interviewed by Guy MacPherson for the Trauma Therapist Podcast and it went live this week. Guy is experienced and asked good questions (I’m episode #304!). He asked about the
A Big Commitment
Is this the right time to make a big commitment to yourself? You may be interested in my six month program Find Your Stillpoint I believe in basic goodness We all reflexively avoid pain You are resilient, strong and courageous
Time for a System Upgrade!
We have a nervous system and primitive brain ideally suited for human conditions over the last hundreds of thousands of years. We avoid pain and seek pleasure. We instinctively pull back from fire. We avoid life threats. We evolved this
Calming Catastrophic Thinking
How do we calm ourselves when we’re worried about something? We’ll be reminded of something – maybe someone around us gets sick or we get news about our own health. It’s natural to try to figure out what to do. All
Empathetic Witnessing
When I read this by Gabor Maté it rang true. What is also true is that we are no longer alone, helpless, and without support. We are adults now. We can stop shaming and judgment. We can be there for
I Wasn’t Calm I Was Frozen
I always thought of myself as quite calm. I was actually frozen. It is how I got through my traumatic teen years and I realize now that the protective freeze took many decades to completely thaw. This makes sense. Children
Tragic Accidents
Death is a hard stop. We know in our heads that human bodies are fragile and vulnerable. The possibility of death co-exists with life. Our own life. People we love. People we know. It is not possible to live with
Healing Trauma Retreat
Last weekend 13 women met at Reconnect and Fall in Love With Ourselves, a healing trauma workshop retreat in a gorgeous old growth Acadian forest at Windhorse Farm. The forecasted showers didn’t happen and we had warm sunshine through the
Committing to my body
My drive for emotional safety overpowered care for my body. We have many words to describe the very common dissociation of ourselves from our bodies. “She’s stuck in her head.” “I live from the neck up.” We feel like we
Fire at my heels
How do we move about in the world when the fear abates? When the drive to compete disappears? When we validate and value ourselves internally? We can accomplish a lot driven by fear. And what a price we pay! Fire
Forgiving My Nervous System
Take a few deep breaths and relax your whole body from head to toes. Look at these sentences and notice your response. Someone came up behind me and I jumped a foot. I am frustrated that I startle so easily
What happened to you?
Oprah said she hopes her piece on childhood trauma on 60 Minutes will be revolutionary. That’s a big hope and I share it. The question is not “What’s wrong with that person?” The right question is “What happened to you?” Childhood
Shaming Does Not Work
There is a pervasive and incorrect belief that shaming is an effective way to inspire change and improvement. Psychological studies and research in the past ten years have proven conclusively that this is untrue. The effects of shaming are that
Fear of Trauma Stored in our Body
Unhealed trauma is stored in the tissues of our body. Traumatic experiences are either processed completely or partially or perhaps hardly at all. They cause a disconnect from ourselves and the present moment. This “leaving the scene” is part of
Connection and Safety
What stops you from being authentic? From taking a risk and sharing who you really are with someone? Past experience is a factor. We’ve all taken those risks and been shut down. We’ve tried to connect. Sometimes it has worked.
It Happened to My Friend, Son, Granddaughter …
If I had stopped talking back … If only I had stood up for myself and my siblings instead of burying my head in a book … If I wasn’t too stupid to get good marks in school … If
Safe Enough
“For a person to truly recover from a traumatic experience, they need to learn at the level of their body that the danger has passed.” Dr Bessel van der Kolk Joy. Grief. Terror. Connection. Isolation. Kindness. Betrayal. Compassion. Oceans and
Braving the Wilderness
Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone, by Dr Brené Brown. “Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, joy, trust, intimacy, courage – everything that brings meaning to our life.” Brené Brown A dictionary definition
Alice’s Fund
Alice “If I die before you, will you write my eulogy?” So began a text I received from Alice in the summer of 2017. Alice continued her plea for understanding: “Please explain to my family what happened to my body,