If you prefer to listen, please click here Shame is a tool to teach young people the rules of our culture, and to maintain social order and hierarchy. It is meant to create an immediate bad feeling to arrest an
Shame is the fear we are unlovable
Someday my prince will come?
We are conditioned to believe we are “less than” without a successful relationship as defined by the dominant culture that centers the nuclear family as the right kind of family. Heterosexual. Male and female parents with children. Someday my prince
I advocate for my body
What are your conditioned beliefs about your body? We live in a diet culture that shames us for our bodies. Our ancestors had an unreliable food supply. We evolved to binge when food was available and store it as fat
Compliance, Defiance and Peer Pressure
Do you find yourself going along with something even when you feel uncomfortable? Compliance is a form of freeze with elements of fawning to someone perceived as more powerful. Do you automatically reject doing what you are told? Defiance can
The Shame of Not Manifesting Abundance and Healing
Mindbody insights into healing can be used to shame us. People don’t generally say that there is something wrong with us if we don’t heal ourselves, yet it is a common interpretation and experience. There is complexity and nuance in
Hurt People Hurt People
We have all harmed others. How do we allow that in? I have harmed people I love. How can I sit with the sadness and regret and grief of that? Let’s look at it through a trauma lens. When we
Inner Critic
Do you have an inner critic that is always on the lookout for anything you’ve done wrong? That ridicules and shames you for the smallest mistake? That drives you to be perfect and doesn’t let you rest? Would you like
My Most Interesting Person
I am the most interesting person to me. What is your first response to that? Are any of these these familiar from childhood? “Don’t be too full of yourself!” “Who do you think you are?” “Nobody likes a show-off.” The reasons
Experiences and Their Meaning
We learn from our experiences by evaluating evidence. We form beliefs based on our interpretation of what happened. Many people have an underlying belief that they are unworthy, not good enough, not lovable or somehow fundamentally wrong. As adults, we
The Key to Freedom
The energy, sensations and feelings in our body are a rich source of information on what has not yet been resolved and healed. Welcoming and attending to our experience, turning towards instead of away from our feelings, is the key
Healing Scar Tissue
A dear friend badly burned her leg a few years ago. The skin partially regenerated but it is still sensitive and papery thin. It will never completely recover. Many people had the experience of not feeling physically safe and protected
Memory
Memory. Last week people all over the world were glued to their screens as a courageous woman who remembered every detail of an attempted rape recounted her experience. And the testimony of a man who might have been lying or
Trauma Therapist Podcast
Listen on iTunes episode #304 or The Trauma Therapist Website I was interviewed by Guy MacPherson for the Trauma Therapist Podcast and it went live this week. Guy is experienced and asked good questions (I’m episode #304!). He asked about the
A Big Commitment
Is this the right time to make a big commitment to yourself? You may be interested in my six month program Find Your Stillpoint I believe in basic goodness We all reflexively avoid pain You are resilient, strong and courageous
Healing Trauma Retreat
Last weekend 13 women met at Reconnect and Fall in Love With Ourselves, a healing trauma workshop retreat in a gorgeous old growth Acadian forest at Windhorse Farm. The forecasted showers didn’t happen and we had warm sunshine through the
Forgiving My Nervous System
Take a few deep breaths and relax your whole body from head to toes. Look at these sentences and notice your response. Someone came up behind me and I jumped a foot. I am frustrated that I startle so easily
What happened to you?
Oprah said she hopes her piece on childhood trauma on 60 Minutes will be revolutionary. That’s a big hope and I share it. The question is not “What’s wrong with that person?” The right question is “What happened to you?” Childhood
Allowing Everyone To Be Exactly As They Are
Allowing everyone to be exactly as they are. Just the words can create a flurry of activity in the mind. The principle makes sense to us and it is also something we mightily resist! The intensity of our response is
Shaming Does Not Work
There is a pervasive and incorrect belief that shaming is an effective way to inspire change and improvement. Psychological studies and research in the past ten years have proven conclusively that this is untrue. The effects of shaming are that
Giving Myself My Own Attention
The intimacy of witnessing our experience Practices of mindfulness develop the capacity to witness or observe our experience. We can do this anywhere. When we are walking. Dancing. Breathing in sunshine. Checking Facebook. Washing our face. We begin every meditation
Speaking Truth to Bullshit
In Brene Brown’s extraordinary book Braving the Wilderness, she has a chapter called “Speak truth to bullshit. Be civil.” She speaks about truth in our interactions with other people and points to what is happening inside. Shame can be triggered
Connection and Safety
What stops you from being authentic? From taking a risk and sharing who you really are with someone? Past experience is a factor. We’ve all taken those risks and been shut down. We’ve tried to connect. Sometimes it has worked.
Alice’s Fund
Alice “If I die before you, will you write my eulogy?” So began a text I received from Alice in the summer of 2017. Alice continued her plea for understanding: “Please explain to my family what happened to my body,
Seeing Ourselves
Seeing ourselves intimately is the beginning, middle and end of our healing journey. In our Friends With The Mind course this week, I shared at the end what I now know to be true. We are all basically good
Netflix Binge
I feel a bit embarrassed that I watch feel-good shows or movies. It feels like there is something wrong with watching someone else have safe, connected, social engagements with people close to them instead of having them myself. Adult dramatic series
Radical Recovery
What is radical recovery? For two months I have been interviewing an amazing group of thought leaders and innovators involved in the field of addiction and recovery. A common theme is that trauma underlies addiction. “The real calamity of trauma
Your Life Without Shame
Shaming is meant to correct behavior. It is a way for societies to let their young people know what is acceptable in their culture and what is not. Shaming is experienced as a survival level threat because the punishment can
Healing Shame
Shame works on a continuum from healthy to toxic. Shaming is used by all cultures to let people know the rules so they can fit in. Shaming feels intense because we must belong in order to survive. Children die if