Kindness towards ourselves, and a willingness for reflection and letting in truth, help us make friends with our own mind. What makes being kind with ourselves difficult? Perfectionism informs our ideas of how we should be. Pushing and shaming ourselves
It is safe to get to know yourself and welcome your whole being into awareness. Hmm. Is this true in your experience? It can be! We learn about trauma and what gets in the way of being on our own side.
“Arrested self-protection stifles our healthy anger.” Pete Walker Click here for the guided inquiry from our Sunday class. When our experiences with anger have never allowed us to feel and express it safely, we suppress it. Children can’t afford to
“The practice of feeling has taught me that there is absolutely nothing inside myself from which I need to run.” Pete Walker This has come to be my experience too. In our culture and families, we are shamed for being
“Maintain your awareness in the heart center in a soft and nurturing way. Remain aware of the external environment but without reaction to it or thought about it.” Swami Veda Our unconscious patterns of protection disconnect us from this warm,
“The death of having a positive relationship with yourself is one of the worst losses.” Pete Walker What would your life have been like if you had been lucky enough to have been raised in a family of good enough
Perfectionism is a trauma response that can arise as an attempt to gain approval from critical or neglectful parents. In fact, you do not have to be perfect to be safe or loved. You have a right to make mistakes,
You wake up feeling anxious and mentally review your day. There is nothing in particular to be anxious about. You hear a loud voice a few aisles over at the store and you flinch then hold your breath. You look
“Ending the gender binary is a world without gender policing, where people are able to look like they want and love like they want, because it’s their life and their body. We have to look at how we’ve outsourced that
We click on “Next Episode” even though we know we should turn off the screen and go to bed. We wake up in the morning feeling anxious but when we check in, we can’t find a reason. Even though we
I had sexual feelings for another girl when I was fourteen, but I had never heard of lesbians or gay men. I didn’t know it was a possibility. I lived in a small town. My parents never said anything about
Checking our privilege when working for social justice is necessary. “Check your privilege” is not helpful when we turn it against ourselves and minimize our trauma. I didn’t have it so bad. At least I wasn’t homeless. Others had it
I was speaking with a friend recently about our mothers and I said “I don’t think my mom loved me.” When I had my last conversation with my mom she was in hospice. I told her “I love you” and
Can I trust you with my body? Will you hurt me? Will I be safe? Can I trust you with my heart? Are you mean at times, or are you reliably kind? Can I trust you to not betray my
I am consistently kind and compassionate with myself. I don’t turn on myself when something “goes wrong”. I intimately know myself and I am on my own side. That is not true for most people. It has not always been
Was food restricted in your house? Was a parent ashamed of you because of your weight? Did you grow up hearing a parent expressing contempt for their own body or weight? If you were labelled fat as a child, were
Perfectionism is a trauma response. Trying to be perfect is a way to stay out of trouble, to be validated as good, and to feel included and safer. The elusive goal of perfection forever stays out of reach. Our experience
Objectification is when we use another person as a way to fill our needs. This isn’t the interaction with others that happens all the time. We are lonely, call a friend and feel better just by feeling understood. They do
Neuroception is our unconscious perception of danger and safety. It is an ongoing involuntary response of our nervous system and it drives more of our life experience than we might realize or want. Our system is set up with a
If you prefer to listen, please click here Shame is a tool to teach young people the rules of our culture, and to maintain social order and hierarchy. It is meant to create an immediate bad feeling to arrest an
We are conditioned to believe we are “less than” without a successful relationship as defined by the dominant culture that centers the nuclear family as the right kind of family. Heterosexual. Male and female parents with children. Someday my prince
What are your conditioned beliefs about your body? We live in a diet culture that shames us for our bodies. Our ancestors had an unreliable food supply. We evolved to binge when food was available and store it as fat
Do you find yourself going along with something even when you feel uncomfortable? Compliance is a form of freeze with elements of fawning to someone perceived as more powerful. Do you automatically reject doing what you are told? Defiance can
Mindbody insights into healing can be used to shame us. People don’t generally say that there is something wrong with us if we don’t heal ourselves, yet it is a common interpretation and experience. There is complexity and nuance in
We have all harmed others. How do we allow that in? I have harmed people I love. How can I sit with the sadness and regret and grief of that? Let’s look at it through a trauma lens. When we
Do you have an inner critic that is always on the lookout for anything you’ve done wrong? That ridicules and shames you for the smallest mistake? That drives you to be perfect and doesn’t let you rest? Would you like
I am the most interesting person to me. What is your first response to that? Are any of these these familiar from childhood? “Don’t be too full of yourself!” “Who do you think you are?” “Nobody likes a show-off.” The reasons
We learn from our experiences by evaluating evidence. We form beliefs based on our interpretation of what happened. Many people have an underlying belief that they are unworthy, not good enough, not lovable or somehow fundamentally wrong. As adults, we
The energy, sensations and feelings in our body are a rich source of information on what has not yet been resolved and healed. Welcoming and attending to our experience, turning towards instead of away from our feelings, is the key
A dear friend badly burned her leg a few years ago. The skin partially regenerated but it is still sensitive and papery thin. It will never completely recover. Many people had the experience of not feeling physically safe and protected
Memory. Last week people all over the world were glued to their screens as a courageous woman who remembered every detail of an attempted rape recounted her experience. And the testimony of a man who might have been lying or
Listen on iTunes episode #304 or The Trauma Therapist Website I was interviewed by Guy MacPherson for the Trauma Therapist Podcast and it went live this week. Guy is experienced and asked good questions (I’m episode #304!). He asked about the
Is this the right time to make a big commitment to yourself? You may be interested in my six month program Find Your Stillpoint I believe in basic goodness We all reflexively avoid pain You are resilient, strong and courageous
Last weekend 13 women met at Reconnect and Fall in Love With Ourselves, a healing trauma workshop retreat in a gorgeous old growth Acadian forest at Windhorse Farm. The forecasted showers didn’t happen and we had warm sunshine through the
Take a few deep breaths and relax your whole body from head to toes. Look at these sentences and notice your response. Someone came up behind me and I jumped a foot. I am frustrated that I startle so easily
Oprah said she hopes her piece on childhood trauma on 60 Minutes will be revolutionary. That’s a big hope and I share it. The question is not “What’s wrong with that person?” The right question is “What happened to you?” Childhood
Allowing everyone to be exactly as they are. Just the words can create a flurry of activity in the mind. The principle makes sense to us and it is also something we mightily resist! The intensity of our response is
There is a pervasive and incorrect belief that shaming is an effective way to inspire change and improvement. Psychological studies and research in the past ten years have proven conclusively that this is untrue. The effects of shaming are that
The intimacy of witnessing our experience Practices of mindfulness develop the capacity to witness or observe our experience. We can do this anywhere. When we are walking. Dancing. Breathing in sunshine. Checking Facebook. Washing our face. We begin every meditation
In Brene Brown’s extraordinary book Braving the Wilderness, she has a chapter called “Speak truth to bullshit. Be civil.” She speaks about truth in our interactions with other people and points to what is happening inside. Shame can be triggered
What stops you from being authentic? From taking a risk and sharing who you really are with someone? Past experience is a factor. We’ve all taken those risks and been shut down. We’ve tried to connect. Sometimes it has worked.
Alice “If I die before you, will you write my eulogy?” So began a text I received from Alice in the summer of 2017. Alice continued her plea for understanding: “Please explain to my family what happened to my body,
Seeing ourselves intimately is the beginning, middle and end of our healing journey. In our Friends With The Mind course this week, I shared at the end what I now know to be true. We are all basically good
I feel a bit embarrassed that I watch feel-good shows or movies. It feels like there is something wrong with watching someone else have safe, connected, social engagements with people close to them instead of having them myself. Adult dramatic series
What is radical recovery? For two months I have been interviewing an amazing group of thought leaders and innovators involved in the field of addiction and recovery. A common theme is that trauma underlies addiction. “The real calamity of trauma
Shaming is meant to correct behavior. It is a way for societies to let their young people know what is acceptable in their culture and what is not. Shaming is experienced as a survival level threat because the punishment can
Shame works on a continuum from healthy to toxic. Shaming is used by all cultures to let people know the rules so they can fit in. Shaming feels intense because we must belong in order to survive. Children die if