I love you. I support you. I’m on your side. 

What gets in the way of connecting with yourself? Of being your own supporter and friend? 

It feels sad to me when we can’t be our own biggest fan, when we judge and shame ourselves, and believe we are not worth it.

Core deficiency beliefs are the result when children don’t feel loved and cared for. Explore with this inquiry: We turn against ourselves. 

Even if you didn’t feel loved and cared for as a child, you can still experience nurturing as an adult. You don’t need to wait for someone else. Develop this for yourself and then you begin to know you are worthy of love and kindness from others too. You can let it in.

I am my own best friend. Stay tuned in to your response as you say these words. What pops into your mind? What do you feel in your body? A statement like this helps us to see what is in the way. Do you treat yourself as you would a good friend? 

If you gave yourself compassionate, kind regard, what would that be like? Let it come alive in you with details – visual, sounds, scents, feelings. What could you say or do to comfort and connect with yourself?

Does it feel out of reach to include yourself in your circle of compassion? When you are struggling, see if you can be present without shaming or belittling yourself. If that is hard, imagine someone you love is in your circumstances. How would you feel about them? Take a moment to feel into that then gently extend that kindness to yourself.

I haven’t always been really here for myself. I’ve been disconnected. I have betrayed myself or been inauthentic out of fear or to stay included in a group. 

Stay mindful of your window of tolerance as you work with this. It becomes more difficult to turn against ourselves when we understand the mechanism of childhood trauma and fight/flight/freeze. Abuse and neglect we experience as children are not our fault. And in this moment, what could you do or say to be there for yourself in a supportive, loving way?

We support our friends with attention and kind regard. It is true that we haven’t always been on our own side. There are reasons for that. It is not something uniquely terrible about us. Shaming or belittling ourselves is in an attempt to avoid being hurt and to gain a toehold of control. As adults, we can see this is damaging and ineffective. We sense the difference being on our own side would make in our life.

Life can be very difficult at times. We want so badly for it to be different.

Right now, be present with yourself as a friend.  What willingness is here in this moment to let yourself be the loved one, the cherished one?

Cultivate that longing to know and love yourself. It was never your fault. You developed strategies to cope with life. We all do this as part of our primitive survival system. As an adult, with the resources we have now, we can widen our window of tolerance to letting feelings of hurt and powerlessness be attended to so they can resolve and heal.

Be willing to open to this as a possibility. Live as your own loved one. Saturate yourself in compassion and kindness. You are whole and worthy of being your own best friend.

 


My Biggest Fan
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