When people around you are in an uproar, there has been a flood or school shooting and you are feeling heartsick with grief, when people close to you are anxious, try to not add to the chaos. Steady yourself. Come
We know we are different now. We’re not as reactive. We have tools to self-regulate and we remember to use them. We recognize when we’re in survival responses of fight/ flight/ freeze/ fawn. We don’t go as deep into the
Was food restricted in your house? Was a parent ashamed of you because of your weight? Did you grow up hearing a parent expressing contempt for their own body or weight? If you were labelled fat as a child, were
Did you wince when you read that? I love my body just as it is. It seems like a good idea to at least try to like our body and to honor its needs. Our relationship with our body is
To develop a strong resilient nervous system, children need to be around adults who are grounded and well-regulated. Babies need to co-regulate in order to develop neural networks for trust and connection. Attachment parenting emphasizes empathy and responsiveness to the
If I were completely free to be authentically me, I would … If you were completely free, what would you bring in and what would you release? Let yourself visualize what that would be like. What is your felt sense
“You are a light. You are the light. Never let anyone — any person or any force — dampen, dim or diminish your light … Release the need to hate, to harbor division, and the enticement of revenge. Release all bitterness. Hold
We don’t get unlimited chances in life. I’m not going to marry Paul McCartney like the Ouija board promised when I was eleven. We don’t get to go back in time to open our hearts and tell that person what
This does not change the fact and impact of your own experiences – you were and are affected by your parents’ unhealed trauma, neglect, and abuse. You have the right to set boundaries, and take physical and emotional space to
Perfectionism is a trauma response. Trying to be perfect is a way to stay out of trouble, to be validated as good, and to feel included and safer. The elusive goal of perfection forever stays out of reach. Our experience
In neuroscience they’re called neural networks. In yoga they’re called samskaras and vasanas. In everyday life, we know them as ruts or deep grooves of habit. “Neurons that fire together, wire together.” Dr Rick Hanson In our healing work, we
You are the designated difficult person in your family – not “like” the others You are queer in a heterosexual family who does or doesn’t accept or celebrate you You are of a different race to the rest of your
“Safety is the absence of threat PLUS the feeling of connection.” Dr StephenPorges Somatic mindfulness practices allow us to track the actual mechanisms of disconnection. It makes complete sense that when we bump into stored trauma, we feel overwhelmed and
Agreeableness includes trust, altruism, kindness, affection, and prosocial behaviors like cooperation, helpfulness, and attuned empathy. It seems simple on the surface. Who wouldn’t want to be more agreeable and prosocial? Traits of people high in agreeableness: interested in and cares
Before Covid, most of our social anxiety had to do with possible rejection or exclusion. With Covid, we have added an alarming threat. Someone’s breath could kill us and we have no way of knowing who is dangerous and who
“Change the culture.” Jackie Summers. “We’re living through a second Civil Rights movement. It started with the death of Trayvon Martin, and hit fever pitch last year with the murder of George Floyd. It isn’t enough. They. Keep. Killing. Us.
Dr Gabor Maté speaks about the effect of traumatic experiences as being disconnecting. Nurturing authentic connection with ourselves is thrilling, painful and raw. It is the aliveness we long for and it is a bold move. What does disconnection look
Objectification is when we use another person as a way to fill our needs. This isn’t the interaction with others that happens all the time. We are lonely, call a friend and feel better just by feeling understood. They do
There are many ways to release anxiety. We might practice yoga, go for a swim, do a breathing practice, or connect with a friend. When we’re jumping out of our skin, we need strong action to down-regulate our nervous system.
We get angry when our expression of personal power is hampered. We can only metabolize our anger by feeling it. We then can come to clarity around appropriate expression of anger. There is a vast difference between a fight response,
How does your inner child feel about it? From one person, this can be an invitation into curiosity and to heal disconnection. From someone else, it can indicate contempt for being foolish enough to fall for that inner child nonsense.
In 2005, I was physically assaulted while riding my bicycle to work. Both police officers on the scene told me to ride my bike to work the next day or I never would. They assured me it was very unlikely
We intuitively know that justice for everyone is the pathway to true peace. We still live with de-facto segregation and isolation from each other and experience this loss, pain and grief in both obvious and subtle yet profound ways. It
Joe Biden and Kamala Harris striding confidently along with the caption “the adults have arrived” (meme on Facebook after the election results were announced) Life is chaotic when the rules of truth and civilized behavior are ignored or ridiculed. It’s
We are conditioned to believe Hallmark channel ideas about romantic love. We are vulnerable to them because humans are hardwired to seek connection. This contrasts our own direct experience which is that people can let us down and hurt us.
As we heal, at some point we see and know in our guts and bones what we lost due to childhood trauma. Our primitive brain and nervous system do their best to protect us through fight/flight/freeze/fawn. What is the cost
Who protected you as a small child through your teen years and into young adult life? Much of the conversation about anger focuses on explosive anger and out of control rage. The ruined relationships caused by lashing out or the
“Rage is the biological force that protects that which is loved.” Valarie Kaur We know anger as the fight response in our nervous system, the fiery energy of lashing out and fighting back. We recognize a transgression against ourselves. Someone
Heidi Green believes everyone has the power to be truly happy and to have a loving relationship with our younger selves. “I have to be able to love little Heidi. Until you can see your own young self like other
This week I had the honor and pleasure of interviewing Dr Stephen Porges for the Radical Recovery Summit. Those of you who are familiar with my work have heard me say many times “Safety IS the Treatment”. It has become
“I’m not talking about blind optimism when I’m talking about hope. I’m talking about hope in the face of uncertainty. Hope in the face of difficulty. That sensibility is something I’ve found very valuable. The people I intend to admire
Neuroception is our unconscious perception of danger and safety. It is an ongoing involuntary response of our nervous system and it drives more of our life experience than we might realize or want. Our system is set up with a
How do we take in the enormity of pain in ourselves and each other? It’s like the stinky sludge in the bottom of a swamp, where we are almost used to the pervading aroma, then the wind shifts and we
“The greatest gift you can give the world is a peaceful mind.” ~my meditation teacher Swami Veda Bharati Guiding a daily online practice has changed my life in so many ways and it is a favorite part of my day.
“You can’t always get what you want. But if you try sometimes, well, you just might find. You get what you need.” Rolling Stones We want people to be careful with our tender hearts. We long to be seen and
If you celebrated when the US election results were called last week, you may have noticed a change in your body this week. Many of us are talking about it. The tight grip in our stomach loosening a bit. Our
What part does fear play in your life? In modern life? In the US election? In our response to Covid-19? Our human bodies evolved nervous systems that respond to threat with fear then activate survival responses – flight fight freeze
It is Tuesday morning, November 3, 2020. We are watching the rise of fascism and the fall of democracy in the US. And we are watching a groundswell of activism and determination to fight back and to create and recover
“Without a clear and present focus on the body, trauma cannot be addressed.” Resmaa Menakem, My Grandmother’s Hands Like many others, I have been more deeply engaged in racial justice and anti-racism since the murder of George Floyd in May
Listen here if you prefer We all long for it. That moment when we share something personal and the other person “gets it”. Our direct experience is that we took a risk to be authentic, and we are rewarded with
It seems so clear, doesn’t it? If that person would just follow my advice, they would get better, stop obsessing about that lost relationship, get their projects in on time, or not wake up hungover every Sunday. If they would
Listen here if you prefer. Kindness and connection are foundations for healing. We do connect with others, but connecting with ourselves, inviting our exiled parts home, comes first. Without that, we can’t be authentic and risk sharing who we really
If you prefer to listen, please click here Shame is a tool to teach young people the rules of our culture, and to maintain social order and hierarchy. It is meant to create an immediate bad feeling to arrest an
I want to hear you. I believe you. I will listen. We exile parts of ourselves that are not acceptable or that feel too overwhelming to let in. They are the shame and core deficiency beliefs. Now, we are here to
We live in intensely activating times. From fires on the west coast to political unrest, from the global pandemic of Covid-19 to the US election – we are all stirred up! We have several natural responses to a higher level of
“Safety IS the treatment.” In order to heal, we need to feel safe. Dr Stephen Porges defines safety as the absence of threat PLUS a feeling of connection. “Trauma is what happens inside us as a result of what happens to us.
When you feel lonely or sad, what are you most likely to do? a) Call a friend, ask for a hug, reach out to a person for support b) Eat, smoke a joint, have a drink, shop onlinec) Curl up on
“White privilege doesn’t mean your life hasn’t been hard. It just means the color of your skin isn’t one of the things that makes it harder.” Most of our conditioned beliefs come from the dominant culture – tv, movies, cartoons, advertising,
We are conditioned to believe we are “less than” without a successful relationship as defined by the dominant culture that centers the nuclear family as the right kind of family. Heterosexual. Male and female parents with children. Someday my prince
What are your conditioned beliefs about your body? We live in a diet culture that shames us for our bodies. Our ancestors had an unreliable food supply. We evolved to binge when food was available and store it as fat
Human beings find it hard to practice violence against other human beings. Some people in power play on our fears and turn us against each other, deliberately dehumanizing people to justify hurting them: from Matthew Shephard (beaten to death in